Okay, not really. When I look at a sign on someone's house that says <The Smith's>, I say to myself: "The Smith's what? What does the good old Smith own that he's trying to tell me about? His house?"

Oh, I see, he's just trying to say "The Smiths live in this house." Then say it: The Smiths. You don't need an apostrophe--kill the sucker. And while we're on the subject, don't try to hang a sign on my front door for The Hines'. Do it right: The Hineses. "But it looks weird," you say. Tough. It's correct.

In fact, you don't need an apostrophe to form a plural, ever. It's not diaper's, automobile's or Oreo's; it's diapers, automobiles, and Oreos. There. Doesn't that feel better?

Rant #2: Unattributed Quotes
You've seen it. Maybe on a sign, maybe on an ad, maybe on a restaurant menu. It's a blathering little bit of tripe that might go something like:

"A tradition of quality, value and service"

Fine, but people always--and I mean always--put this kind of crap in quotes. My question is: who in the hell is saying this? If you put it in quotes, tell me who is saying it.

Rant #3: World Famous
Seems like every restaurant, entertainment venue or retail establishment wants to let you know they're world famous. Here you see "World Famous Hot Dogs." There you find "World Famous Barbecue." Up the road is the "World Famous (fill in the name of the business)." My question is: what sort of qualification process do you have to go through to use the designation world famous? I mean, if some guy in Canada has heard of it, does that make it world famous? By those standards, I, myself, qualify. Hmmm. You're now visiting the web site of the "World Famous Tony Hines."

Rant #4: Intentional Misspellings
English is a rich language, with a lexicon of about 3 million words (200,000 in common use). That doesn't stop people from being clever and inventing their own unique spellings to be different. Don't believe me? Just look at the signage for your nearest neighborhood convenience store. You won't find a "Quick Way," but I guarantee you'll find a "Kwik Way." "Come & Go" might not be the best name for a store, but in my book, it's a lot better than "Kum & Go." Would you shop at Handy Mart? I would. So why spell it Handimart? And, not content to butcher one word in a name, the owners of Snak Atak convenience stores doubled up. Of course, convenience stores aren't the only businesses to hack the English language: everyone from King Koil mattresses to Reddi-Wip whipped cream joins in. Sigh. I'll know it's gone too far when I start wanting to spell my own name "Toe-Knee."