What are the Dark Horse Dialogues?

The Dark Horse Dialogues are a collection of interviews with longshot presidential candidates: the dark horses. And, as the conversations prove, these candidates definitely aren't the same old nags.

Dialogue #1: Kenneth Oliver Miller

Our first edition of the Dark Horse Dialogues features Kenneth Oliver Miller, a resident of Ambridge, Pennsylvania who's running for president as an independent. And if you think all presidential candidates are sourpusses who can only spew soundbites, Mr. Miller proves otherwise: he was quite the kidder with many of his responses.

At least, we hope he was kidding.

TLHines.com: Mr. Miller, thanks for agreeing to participate in the "Dark Horse Dialogues." Our blog at tlhines.com has about a dozen readers, so this interview could potentially give you exposure to tens of people.

Ken Miller: I would like to answer anything you can throw at me, especially if it might possibly garner 10 votes. That's nine more than I expected--eight more, if I can bribe my mom.

TL: So let's start with the basics. What's the central theme of your presidential campaign? Why are you running?

KM: I guess that what got me started was the fact that I am sick of politicians and their crooked ways. We need someone in office who has no political connections or experience, and that is me.

Before I start to rant, let me make it clear that I think our government is the best in the world. It's just the politicians I have problems with. Besides that, I am hoping for the chance to meet the one and only Jennifer Love Hewitt. I plan on making her my running mate.

TL: Hmmm. "Miller/Love Hewitt" does have a certain bumper sticker appeal to it. Or would it just be "Miller/Hewitt?" Do you know?

KM: I think the bumper sticker would look something like this:
VOTE LOVE HEWITT Vice-President
Kenneth Oliver Miller President

TL: You know, I've been talking to another candidate, and he said something about tapping Ms. Love Hewitt to head up the Office of Homeland Security. You might want to get on the horn and make sure she hasn't committed anything to another candidate.

KM: Well I would like to be able to contact her to confirm her, but I'm hoping she will get word of this from someone who has read something on the internet about my quest. As for the other candidate who wants her on his staff: He is obviously a whacko.

TL: I'm just kidding. I think you're probably the only person who has Ms. Love Hewitt in mind for a staff position. Speaking of which, let's talk about your position on some issues: What's the single most important issue to you?

KM: Probably the epidermis, because it is the only tissue I really know the name of. Oh, you said issue. Sorry.

TL: First rule of interviews: never try to be funnier than the interviewer. Most interviewers have esteem problems, and want to feel they're the funniest people alive. Not me, mind you. I don't have an esteem problem. You don't think I have an esteem problem, do you? Do you?

KM: I don't know how to answer.

TL: Never mind. Back to the original question.

KM: Okay. I think the most important issue is how the world sees us. This bothers me, and I would first start by bringing all of our soldiers home from around the world. What if every country we have troops in wanted to build bases in our country? We wouldn't want that, and they don't want us there either. Bring them all home.

TL: I don't know. The food at the French bases might be pretty good. Let everyone else eat "Freedom Fries;" I'll take a good Coquilles St. Jacques any day.

KM: Doh! (My Homer Simpson impression.) I don't know what kind of fancy food you eat. I only eat kielbasa.

TL: There you go with the funniness again.

KM: Next, I would give them (armed service personnel) all a collection of Jennifer Love Hewitt posters for their sacrifice.

TL: Hmm. I have this feeling you just might have enough Jennifer Love Hewitt posters for all of our armed forces. We might get our troops to go for it--provided they're SIGNED posters. (Signed by Jennifer Love Hewitt, that is. No offense, but getting a Jennifer Love Hewitt poster with Ken Miller's signature on it would be a little creepy.)

KM: I actually only have three posters of her. Besides that, I would never give up my personal collection of posters. We have become so close.

TL: So what will be your first official act as President? (Make that your first official act having nothing to do with Jennifer Love Hewitt.)

KM: My first official act is to prove to the world that the U.S. never really did land on the moon. George Jr. proved this in his speech recently by saying we are returning to the moon. As you know, politicians always say the opposite of what they mean, so what he really meant was: we are finally going to the moon.

TL: Maybe President Bush was speaking in code. Perhaps "moon" could really be "Crawford, Texas." Thoughts?

KM: No, it was not filmed in George's Back yard. It was filmed in Area 51--everyone knows that.

TL: Okay, okay, I might buy that we, as a country, have never been to the moon. But you can't convince me that Dennis Kucinich has never been there. I think he's had a base on the moon for a long time.

KM: Who the hell is Dennis Kucinich?

TL: Not important. Keep going.

KM: After that, I will declare that the Vice President has to live in the White House. (See my answer to the first question for the reason.)

TL: Riiiight. "Live" in the White House. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, touch of the elbow. But what if Ms. Love Hewitt is unable to continue her duties as VP at some point, and the Speaker of the House has to take over? How would you feel about "living" with Dennis Hastert?

KM: Who the hell is Dennis Hastert? Are you smoking something and making up imaginary people? If Love had to resign, I would simply appoint Krista Allen. Situation resolved!

TL: So what are you planning to do to set yourself apart from the traditional two-party candidates?

KM: I am going to use my Jedi mind powers to get them to make asses of themselves. Then I will follow up with a sure thing: I will release a video tape of me and Jennifer Love Hewitt going at it in night vision mode at a cheap Hilton hotel for publicity. Then, when I am making my public apology, I will expose her bare shoulder "accidentally".

TL: Wow, that's like, three recent pop culture references in one answer. I think you may be way too hip to be President. Fuh shizzle.

KM: Hang ten dude. I hope this sets me apart from other candidates and I can sway some of your votes.

TL: It certainly sets you apart. Any web sites or other links you want me to send folks to? Any parting thoughts?

KM: I wish I had the time to build my own site, but I will let you in on a little secret: www.lovehewitt.com and www.stuffonline.com are the only two sites I've been to this year.