It's been real. It's been fun. And you know what? It's been real fun. I've had a blast these last three days, and I want to thank each and every one of you who have been part of the blog tour. If I haven't caught your post, please do let me know by emailing me or leaving a comment below; I'll add your post to the chorus.

What's been interesting is the wide variety of responses to the book, and I find that very encouraging. It means that, at least on some level, the book is open to interpretation and discussion. I love that one person thinks it's a thriller, and that another thinks it's more of a fantasy. I love that one person thinks it's maybe a bit too harsh, and another thinks it wasn't as harsh as expected. All those opinions, after all, are correct. That's the wonderful thing about opinions.

Okay, on to some blog posts. In part three of our interview, Chris Well and I talk about the things I wish non-writers--and, more importantly, other writers--would keep in mind. It's something I certainly try to remind myself of each day.

Val admits she hasn't read WAKING LAZARUS yet. Gasp! Perish the thought! How could someone have a copy of this book in their house and not read it? Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, Val thus far joins about 6 billion other people in the "Haven't read WAKING LAZARUS yet" category. Do let me know when you leave that sizable group, Val.

Kevin Lucia, whom I've enjoyed corresponding with quite a bit recently--he and I share very similar reading tastes--has posted a thorough review of the book at his "Bookshelf Reviews" blog. (The review has also appeared, in print form, in The Baptist Voice.) Thanks, Kevin. I particularly appreciate Kevin's comments on one of the more subtle aspects of the story: Jude's reaction to his unique gift.

Jezreel posts some kind comments about the book, and says she thinks the book might go on to win an award or two. Well, I guess I'm just hoping Jezreel is prophetic.

At A Disciple's Steps, Kelly has a nice line that really describes the central "hook" of the story: As children begin disappearing in Red Lodge and surrounding towns, Jude Allman finds himself on the brink of self-discovery that can crack the case wide open. Bravo, Kelly.

In many ways, Chris Mikesell at So Much Stuff I Can't Recall is a kindred spirit. And by "kindred spirit," I mean "uber-sarcastic and unhealthily fascinated by zombie stories." So, I suppose it's no surprise that his questions for our interview were decidedly off-center. Not that Chris can't be serious; he offers his comments on the book. Um, at least I HOPE his comments about the book were serious.

At A Christian Worldview of Fiction, Becky concludes her three-part series with her own thoughts on the book--and I love what she has to say about the story, because I think her reading of the book is pretty close to my own. The book's a thriller, naturally--has to be classified and shelved somewhere in the store, after all--but I think Becky really does a nice job of nailing what the book is about.

In his last post for the book, Jason treats the novel very kindly--especially in light of the fact that some of it hits very close to home for him personally. As an interesting side note, I'll point out that of the four people who have felt (by my estimation) the novel is maybe a bit TOO dark for their tastes, three of them have been men. Are men more sensitive than we really give them credit for? Maybe so, maybe so.

Today, Sean Slagle posts his interview with me, and gives me the opportunity to give some props to people who have influenced and inspired me--some of them writers, some of them teachers, some of them mentors.

In the last part of our interview, Kathleen Popa and I talk about a little-known fact about Near Death Expriences (NDEs) and, perhaps most importantly, my favorite soda.

At The Well-Dressed Branch, Jim Thompson calls my online marketing tactics sadistic. Who, me? You want to find a sadist, look up "Dentists" in your phone directory.

Florinda of On Considering Inconveniences puts the book on her "Highly Recommended" list. Thanks so much, Florinda. Your check is in the mail.

Shanna of Sorta Awe-tistic has a very interesting post relating her own childhood Stephen King experience, which is an opposite bizarro-world version of my own. (Um, maybe it would be better to say my story is an opposite bizarro-world version of Shanna's, since I ended up liking SK.) On top of that, Shanna offers what I consider an insightful analysis of the book; in particular, I loved this observation: Jude's biggest problem is that, having built a proven track record of returning from the dead, he doesn't much want to live anymore, either. His second biggest problem is one too many men share with him: what to do with Dad; what to do with being a dad.

And Deeanne Gist, featured author for our second blog tour last year, was kind enough to write a plug for WAKING LAZARUS on her blog. She also gives a tip of the hat to our mutual editor Dave Long: The fella who acquired Bride and all my subsequent novels also acquired Tony. And I have to say, he done good! Thanks to Dee for the endorsement (it's nice to hear people whose writing you admire praise your own), and thanks to Dave for making it happen. As Dee said, you done good.

Once again, thanks to all of you who have been part of this journey by reading this blog, corresponding with me via email, signing up at the Other Side, adding your name to my mailing list, participating in this blog tour, and more. I do sincerely appreciate your efforts.

Tomorrow is the official "release date" for the book, and it feels like we've come full circle. It is, after all, almost exactly one year since this journey started. But in so many more ways, it's just the first step of the next journey.

And, oh yeah, there's that second book I'm working on. Fresh angst aplenty.

As promised, I'm posting my live interview with Jodi Hathaway on KULR yesterday. Thanks to Jodi for having me on the program. When we sat down, she said, "All reporters aren't weirdos, you know." I blinked, then realized she was talking about a section in the book where Jude goes on this little tirade against reporters. "Oh, yeah," I said. "Well, that's just the character. He hates all the attention, you know, and so he really just hates anyone who tries to talk to him." She laughed, and I realized she was just making a joke and wasn't at all upset about Jude's little anti-journalist spiel. (In fact, she was quite nice and charming, like most journalists.)

Note to self: In future books, portray journalists in a positive light, so as to get more interview opportunities.

KULR TV Interview - iPod Video Version | QuickTime Version

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Okay, I think I broke yesterday's post by updating it so much. Really. At about 10 o'clock last night, the post wouldn't update anymore. So, let's just move on to today, forget about the past, look to the future, and all that.

I shared yesterday that I was live on the local KULR noon news, and that was fun. I have a tape of the segment, and I'll be digitizing it and sharing it with y'all soon.

Wait. I said to forget about the past, didn't I? Okay, then, let's move on to Day Two of this whole blog tour thing.

First up: Jason at Spoiled for the Ordinary had an entry yesterday, which I was trying to add to my previous post when Murphy began to take over. So here it is now. And, Jason's planning posts today and tomorrow as well. He's asked me to contain my glee, but it's difficult for me to contain my anything. You may find me spontaneously breaking into renditions of Broadway show tunes for no reason.

Sean Slagle also began blogging about WL yesterday, and I wish I would have been able to update with his first post, in which he makes some intersting observations about how our visually-oriented society (most literate with film) has different reading tastes. I certainly agree with that. On day two, he mentions some of the very nice reviews the book has received, and chimes in with an analysis of his own.

At Refreshment in Refuge, Gina has posted part two of her interview, in which I get to babble about being a control freak.

Chris Well, a fellow member of International Thriller Writers, posts day two of his interview. He asked the moment when I knew I'd made it as a novelist. I told I'd let him know when that happens.

At A Christian Worldview of Fiction, Becky makes the suggestion that WAKING LAZARUS is something akin to a fantasy story. I'd have to agree with that; a lot of what I love to read and write I'd consider fantasy set in our contemporary world. See what Becky has to say about it.

At Kathleen's Reading, Writing and...What Else is There?, we talk about character inspiration, and how my daughter became a boy--in the book, that is.

William G. Jones has a detailed review and synopsis of the book at Christianity 4 Life, and is very kind with his praise. My favorite line from his post: "To say this isn’t your typical CBA novel is an understatement." Well, heck, that's not the first time I've been called atypical.

And Brandilyn Collins, who has been an incredibly helpful and encouraging person to me--as well as to many other writers out there--has posted an excerpt and other information at her Forensics and Faith blog. She also points out I'll be signing copies of the book at ICRS in Denver on Tuesday, July 11th. Why in the heck haven't I mentioned that before on my own blog? See? Brandilyn's helping me out, even when I don't know I need help. Which, come to think of it, is most of the time.

Today through Friday, kind folks around the blogosphere will be devoting their blog entries to WAKING LAZARUS. I'll try to keep track of those entries throughout each day, and post to them on my own blog. I hope you'll take the tour, because you'll find out a lot about the book (many people are doing reviews), as well as the evil, Machiavellian mind behind the book (many people are doing interviews).

First up, Mike Duran at Decompose has a fun regular feature called INSites, where he spotlights web sites/blogs and the people behind them. Today, I'm in that spotlight, in no small part because of my past success in the competitive world of air guitar competitions. See, ma? I told you I'd amount to something.

At her It's Real Life blog, Tricia Goyer posts an interview with moi, in which we were able to compare my work to fellow Bethany House authors Janette Oke and Beverly Lewis. Plus, Tricia's a fellow Montanan, so she's obviously witty, intelligent, charming and beautiful. That's just the way we Montana folks are.

Dineen Miller, who runs what has to be one of my favorite names ever for a blog--Kittens Come From Eggs--has also posted a nice interview. In my chat with Dineen, we were able to talk about marathons, electricity and indoor plumbing.

Mimi Pearson is the mind behind Tags and Other Forms of Mischief, and today that mischief is a review of WAKING LAZARUS. She even picks up on the section of the book that talks about Mr. Clean--I've always loved Mr. Clean.

At Musings from the Windowsill, Linda Gilmore was kind enough to do an early post before leaving for vacation. Thanks, Linda; were I headed out on vacation, updating my blog would be the last thing on my mind. Come to think of it, updating my blog is the last thing on my mind most days. (SFX: RIMSHOT) On a side note, Linda was the first person to point out a WAKING LAZARUS sighting on the shelves of her local bookstore.

Bonnie Calhoun, at her aptly-named Bonnie Writes blog, posts a very kind review of the book. She even comments on the name of a town featured in the book. Shhh. No one tell Bonnie I completely made up that town. Bonnie is also now the Director of our little Christian Fiction Blog Alliance project, and is planning some great things in the upcoming months.

David at The Curmudgeon's Rant was downright un-curmudgeonly when he interviewed me. He was quite pleasant, as a matter of fact. And, in one of the more detailed interviews, David asked me about my favorite scene from the book. The politically-correct thing to say is, "It's hard to pick one favorite scene; I just hope people like the book." Of course, I'm not politically correct, so I told him my favorite scenes.

Katie Hart, who was nice enough to write a kind review of the book for Christian Book Previews, now chimes in on her own Writing Christian Novels blog--and points out at least two known aliases of WAKING LAZARUS.

Kevin Holtsberry at Collected Miscellany likes the book, but recommends you "read it in the warm sunshine." I think that's probably a good recommendation. Kevin thought some of the parts were maybe a little over-the-top; I suspect a few people may agree with him. Maybe I'm even one of them; I'm still torn on that aspect of the story myself. And thanks to Kevin for being so forthright in his analysis of the book.

At her Gospel Fiction and Christian Fictionblogs, Dee Stewart has some nice things to say about the book--and even pulls out a bit of cajun to describe it. Getting a compliment in cajun is the highest compliment of all.

Gina Burgess is one of the people I've had the distinct privilege of getting to know through Dave Long's faith*in*fiction forum, and today she posts the first part of an interview at her Refreshment in Refuge blog. In said interview, I admit Jude Allman is probably a little more like me than I care to admit.

At Scrambled Dregs, Kelly Klepfer follows up her recent review of the book with an interview, in which I 'fess up to spending an inordinate amount of time in my basement as a child.

Chris Well, author of some mighty fine crime fiction books himself, posts the first of a three-part interview at his Learning Curve blog, giving me a chance to give some props to a few of my favorite authors.

Becky Miller's A Christian Worldview of Fiction is becoming, in my mind, one of the finest blogs devoted to faith-based fiction. Today, she responds to a guest posting stint by editor Jeff Gerke (you really should read both of his posts, as well), and has some nice things to say about WAKING LAZARUS related to one of those scary, literary-sounding words: theme.

LaShaunda Hoffman, who blogs at See Ya On the Net, asked me the most profound thing I learned while writing the novel. I'm not sure I belong in the same sentence as the word "profound," but I gave her an answer anyway.

Michelle Pendergrass of Just A Minute points out that we share a common affinity for Stephen King, as well as a similar journey to faith. But what she perhaps doesn't realize is that we also share a distinct admiration for the Yiddish word "tchochke."

At Scraps of Me, Tina Kulesa offers a nice review, and gets big points on my Nice List for saying the book isn't "preachy." She also talks about a slight romantic subplot in the book, and I'm glad to see that--what with all the attention paid to abducted children in the plot analysis, folks seem to pass that by.

Christy Lockstein, at Christy's Book Blog, offers a great analysis not just of the plot itself, but some of the character traits and writing choices as well.

And Kathleen Popa, at Reading, Writing, and...What Else is There? (a very good question) offered what is probably my favorite comment about the book thus far: "Publishers Weekly said your book is not for the faint of heart, but gee whiz, nothing went squish." I'd love to see that on the cover of the book, actually.

I'll keep adding posts as they roll in the next few days. On a related note, this must be a big interview day for me. I'll be on the KULR 8 Noon News at, um, noon. Actually, it's sometime between noon and noon-thirty, but hey, the fools are letting me on TV! I'm hoping I can get a copy on tape or something, then digitize it for the web. I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: I went on the Noon News with Jodi Hathaway, and managed to avoid starting the studio on fire or creating other major mishaps. I'll try to digitize the clip and post it later today.

It was exactly one year ago today that I received a call informing me I had a two-book contract. And, amazingly enough, this is the very day I see the book is officially shipping from at least one online seller. (Still waiting for my copies, so those of you who pre-ordered from me long ago: thanks for your patience. You'll be getting a few things to help make the wait worth it, I hope.)

So, one year from contract to shipping. A fast timeline by publishing standards, certainly. That's 365 days of lessons for someone who's publishing the book for a first time. Here's what the journey has taught me. (Those of you who have read the book will know why I've chosen eight lessons to list.)

1) A year can feel like a week. No matter how much you prepare, you can always do more. No matter how much you do, you'll feel like it isn't enough.

2) A year can feel like a decade. When you're waiting to see your first book on the shelf at a local bookstore, believe me: time can crawl to a stop.

3) Reviews matter. Of course they matter to sales, but what I mean is: reviews matter to you as an author. I've heard some writers say they never read their reviews. I don't believe them. Each and every review matters to me, and I imagine to any other author out there who is honest with himself/herself.

4) Reader comments matter even more than reviews. There's something very impersonal about "official" reviews in publications, and necessarily so. Those reviews need to be impartial. But what I've enjoyed most are the folks who read the book (so far, ARC readers), then take the time to email me and say what they thought of it. It really does make my day. (Unless you hate the book. If you hate the book, don't email me.)

5) Amazon is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Figured out their ranking system? Bull. No one has figured it out--even the software engineers who wrote the code. The Amazon ranking system is the online equivalent of the magic eight ball; refresh the page and you'll find another answer. Side note: When your ranking moves up one day, it's a boost. "Hey, I've sold a book or two on Amazon today." But immediately, your ranking begins to drop. If you're at 50,000 at 8:00 am, you might be at 75,000 by noon. This means your ranking spends one or two seconds rising, then days and days falling.

6) People will enthusiastically approach you for a free copy of the book at trade shows such as Book Expo America, and you'll think they're really quite interested in reading your story. Instead, they're more likely to be selling it on eBay. Just smile and nod; it's part of the game. As a side corollary: people who ask you to sign the book to them specifically, or to their mother or brother, make you feel like a king. That's why anyone who asks a book to be signed to them will always--ALWAYS--get a personal message and inscription from me. When I started doing this at BEA, Linda (one of my wonderful publicists from Bethany House) said, "You're going to give yourself a writing cramp, writing that much on each book." Yup, and I'll do it with a smile.

7) If you think waiting to get a contract is angst-ridden, it's nothing compared to waiting for your finished book to hit the streets. Buy a couple bottles of Prilosec to control stomach acid.

8) Finally, and most importantly: It's all worth it. Every hour, every minute, every second. Getting a contract? It's even better than you've dreamed when it actually happens. Seeing your ARC? Also better. Seeing your finished book for the first time? Much, much better.

Last week, the lovely Gina Holmes asked a question that's on every single writer's mind: What can I best do to market myself? A great question, so it's this week's podcast topic, in which we look at the single most important marketing tactic a writer can use (in my opinion). And by "single," I mean "two"--I couldn't narrow it down to just one, and the two are related anyway. Thanks to Gina for asking the question; if you have a question you'd like to ask for the topic of an upcoming weekly podcast, leave a comment below or head to my contact form.

Podcast 3: A Writer's Single Best Marketing Tactic

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Even as I speak (okay, even as I write), the finished copies of WAKING LAZARUS are en route to bookstores everywhere, and should start finding their way onto shelves in the next week-ish. This brings the most difficult and awkward part of the publishing process so far: waiting.

It's not waiting to sign a publishing contract. It's not waiting to get editorial feedback. It's not waiting to see cover designs or marketing copy. It's not waiting for ARCs to arrive. It's not waiting to see trade reviews. It's all of those rolled together, and multiplied by ten. It's like leaving for a vacation you've been anxiously planning: you've packed, you've checked in, you've made it through the TSA obstacle course, and now you're sitting at your gate, eager for that boarding call. Every minute seems like ten.

With apologies to Brandilyn Collins, I keep forgetting to breathe.

Hey, we're back with the weekly podcast. And this time, I have an actual topic: five free things you can do to support a favorite book or author. After all, we all have favorite books and authors, don't we? And we want to help them succeed, don't we? Also, I think I've figured out an easy way to pick topics for this weekly podcast: I'll ask you. For my weekly podcast, I'll talk about one question submitted by a web site visitor. Any question. It may have something to do with me, something to do with the rise and fall of the Roman empire, something to do with nothing at all. If I pick your question for a podcast topic, I'll send you a free book. (It might be one of my books, or it might be a book by one of my favorite authors--one more way I like to support authors I love. Either way, it's a free book, isn't it?) So head to my contact form and ask a question, or leave a comment below.

Five Free Things You Can Do to Support A Book

Perhaps one of the greatest questions facing any first-time (or even fifth-time) novelist is: how do I get my book reviewed? In fact, this may be the ultimate do-or-die question for fiction; without review attention, it's unlikely your book will get any other kind of attention.

I recently read an online post by April Henry, a mystery writer and reviewer for the Oregonian, offering suggestions on how to increase your chances of getting a book reviewed. Her advice seems solid to me, and she agreed to let me share it on my blog.

Her original post is here, so I won't reproduce the whole thing. But I do want to make three observations, based on her comments.

First, I think the most important moral of April's story is: to help get review coverage in a specific city, you need to schedule a signing, event or appearance there. You want a review in the Seattle Times? Make sure you schedule a signing in Seattle--and let the folks at the Times know. It won't, of course, guarantee a local review. But I'm betting it's the single most effective thing you can do to help your cause.

This requires a slight shift in the way we authors look at bookstore signings and appearances. Many say signings are a waste of time: "Why should I sit there for two hours just to sign a couple of books?" Well, there are at least two good reasons: 1) You get to meet the folks who work at the bookstore, who are happy to hand-sell your book if they like it (and you). 2) That darned local media angle. As one writing friend said to me: "You don't get media coverage to promote your signings; you do the signings to get media coverage." I think I'll have to add an "amen" to that. So, yes, I'll be trying to schedule a few more signings over the summer.

One of April's other comments: Is there a color cover on the advanced reader's copy, or is it plain? It's getting less common to see a plain cover on a review copy, so the ones that do look to me like the publisher just couldn't be bothered. Ouch. I've often wondered if there's a down side to a plain galley copy, or an ARC with no depiction of the final cover. April, I'm betting, isn't the only reviewer who feels this way.

And finally, it seems that major review coverage (PW, Kirkus, Library Journal or Booklist) has a definite spillover effect. Again, this has been my suspicion, but it's nice to hear a newspaper reviewer come right out and say it

Thanks for the advice, April. Now, about that review in the Oregonian...

It's short. It's dry. It's free of music or sound effects. But it's a podcast. I'll post one each and every Wednesday right here, exploring some of the fun and frivolity associated with being a debut novelist.

Download ye olde podcast #1 at:
www.tlhines.com/podcasts/TLHines1.mp4

If you've read much of my blogging, you've probably realized that I'm willing (perhaps a little TOO willing) to lay bare my neurotic tendencies, my worries, and my fears as WL moves to publication.

Now, I suppose it's possible that I'm wound tighter than your average writer. I'll grant you that. But I don't think I'm a lot worse than most; my secret suspicion is that the majority of writers--pre-pubbed or post-pubbed--are probably more angst-ridden than they even want to admit to themselves.

That, I think, is part of the reason why so many writers (novelists, especially) are terrified of marketing their own work. Inside, as much as we want others to like our work, we harbor this secret fear that it's just not any good.

There are, of course, folks at the other end of the spectrum--self-sure individuals who will unabashedly tell you their book is the new Catcher in the Rye, and do so with a straight face--but the majority of writers, I think, are the angst-ey kind; angst, after all, is what fuels many a writer's pages.

I recognize both tendencies in myself. I have an inner P.T. Barnum, and I'm not afraid to trumpet my cause when I get a chance; most of the rest of this site, in fact, is built around self-promotion. But here on this blog, I've always promised I'd be brutally honest.

So, let's discuss a secret fear, something I've worried about since I signed my publishing contract a year ago. In a nutshell it's this: I've been worried my first book will fall into a giant crack between the established CBA/inspirational and ABA/suspense genres. Oh, sure, you can bet I told my publisher the book would attract readers of both genres, but inside, I've secretly wondered if it had just enough elements of each to turn off both sides.

The inspirational readers, I think, will be drawn to the spiritual threads in the story, and the strong redemptive elements. But at the same time, there's a serial kidnapper who stalks kids.

Suspense readers should be drawn to the plot, filled with a lot of unexpected (I hope) twists and turns. But at the same time, it's a book filled with some spiritual elements. Prayer is in there, as well as characters who talk about God.

So, do I have a book that's creepy enough to turn off inspirational fiction readers, AND preachy enough to turn off secular suspense readers?

Well, let me tell you one thing: if you secretly fear something about your book, reviewers will find those fears and expose them for all the world to see. (Note: You can see all these reviews, and others, on my review page.) Consider my PW review, which was the first major review published. The first line says, "In this promising, if sometimes grisly, work of inspirational suspense..." See? Wasn't that the reaction I was terrified I'd get? Yes, indeed it was. Sure the PW review was quite positive overall, but the reviewer led with "grisly."

Or, consider this review from a traditional mystery web site, which says, in part, "Eclectic beliefs, such as total adherence so strongly presented for any particular religion, have a decided odor of proselytizing and have no place in overall entertainment for the general public..." Ack! The mystery reviewer thinks I'm proselytizing! (I certainly don't agree with the reviewer's basic premise, which is, I think, that faith elements have no place in entertainment. But that's a different discussion. And, I must give credit to the reviewer: even though he obviously had problems with the faith elements, he was very complimentary of the book in general, so he was able to separate his analysis of the book from his feelings--something most people decidedly cannot do.)

And yet.

And yet, there are other reviews that have noted no problems with such a mix. Horror World: "It is firmly placed in the Christian fiction realm, which may scare off readers who don't normally seek out the spiritual. And that's a shame, because WAKING LAZARUS reads more like a mainstream thriller than the usual Christian fare." About.com: "Not many books have me hooked with the first sentence, but this one did...spiritually challenging, complex, creative, intelligent." Armchair Interviews: "Stunning...WAKING LAZARUS will be in my top ten 2006 picks." And even Library Journal, in a starred review: "Highly recommended for CF and suspense collections."

Hey, look at that: highly recommended for BOTH Christian Fiction AND suspense collections.

Maybe it's not so bad to be grisly.

Maybe it's not so bad to have a character who prays.

Maybe the book will attract readers from both genres after all.

Fellow author and friend Chris Well is launching something today he's calling First Fridays, posting the first chapter of his latest book on more than 40 blogs.

Hey, I never met a promotional idea I didn't like, so I'm joining the First Friday movement and posting the first chapter of Deliver Us From Evelyn below. Visit Chris's blog to find out more about First Fridays.

Deliver Us From Evelyn
(Harvest House Publishers)
Chris Well

Everyone from the Feds to the mob is scrambling to find the husband of heartless media mogul Evelyn Blake. But no one can decide which is worse—that he is missing, or that she is not ...

CHAPTER ONE

Sunday night. April 23.

On his last day of this life, the Right Fair Reverend Missionary Bob Mullins checked the party dip. Just stuck his finger right in there, pulled some glop free, stuck it in his mouth and sucked.

Hmm, good dip.

He wiped his saliva’d finger on his jacket, popped the top off a can of Pringles, shuffled a neat row of curved chips onto a Dixie brand paper platter.

There.

Setting the can down, he stepped back from the secondhand coffee table in the middle of the shag-carpeted office, looked at what his party planning skills had wrought. And he saw that it was good.

He went to the stereo system across the room, selected a CD. Personally, he would have preferred something by the Rolling Stones, maybe Exile on Main Street or Beggars Banquet -- muscular, honky-tonk rock ’n’ roll you can get drunk or stoned to, depending on your mood. He could really go for the bluesy wail of “Tumbling Dice” right now.

But the music library here offered none of that. Besides, his marks -- that is, the members of his “flock” -- held certain expectations regarding what music was appropriate for a prayer meeting. Especially in a small armpit of a town like Belt Falls, Illinois.

(Who names a town “Belt Falls,” anyway?)

The ladies would be here soon. Then Missionary Bob could use his people skills, honed from his years of "ministry," to good effect. Would lead the group in a spontaneous (but carefully planned) evening following “the Lord’s leading” -- some Bible, some hymns, some ministry time. A carefully rehearsed prayer, a combination of wails and pleas, which experience had shown to be a very effective prelude to the passing of the offering plate.

Swept up by the rush of maudlin and spiritual emotion, the ladies would cough up plenty.

“Yea, but there are those who do not have it as comfortably as we do,” he found himself practicing, fiddling with chair placement in the circle, maneuvering pillows on the couch. “Poor children who do not have the food or clothing or shelter such as we take for granted.”

He double-checked the handy photos on the table. The orphanage in Mexico went by a lot of names. It would not do for the Right Fair Reverend Missionary Bob Mullins to get all weepy-eyed over JESUS AMA A LOS NINOS PEQUENOS and then whip out a photo showing a bunch of tiny brown faces smiling under a banner that said CHILDREN OF HER MERCY ORPHANAGE.

Following the fiasco in the last town, he’d played it cool once he got to Belt Falls. (Really, who brings a wagon train across the frontier, breaks ground on a settlement and says, “From henceforth, this shall be known as ‘Belt Falls’”?)

Ever since Andrea -- his partner, his companion, his ray of light -- had got Jesus, she'd stopped helping with the scams. Stopped helping him fleece the flock, so to speak. She laid it on thick enough, It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment, and all that.

He tried to smirk it off, tried that face that always brought her around, but it didn’t seem to work anymore. Whatever had got hold of her wasn’t letting go.

Missionary Bob would never admit it to anyone, least of all himself, that the dividing line between success and failure began and ended with Andrea. When she was working with him, the scams worked like butter.

But then she got religion and the whole machine went up in flames.

Not that Missionary Bob got the clue. He kept working his games, town to town, each new gambit failing, each new town harder to crack than the last.

Once he set up shop here in Belt Falls (don’t even get him started about the name of the town), he took his time getting to know the people. He found them to be a small, close-knit community, smugly going to their church services.

Smug, but not that pious -- it did not take much effort to plant sufficient evidence that the only pastor in town was a raving drug user, maybe even a dealer. Not enough evidence to get the man convicted -- even the hick sheriff saw it was a weak case -- but the hapless pastor had to make only one phone call to the wrong deacon asking for bail money before word of his unholy lifestyle rushed through the congregation like wildfire.

In the eyes of God and the law, he was probably an okay guy. But once a congregation chooses to believe the worst, a preacher may as well pack his bags and move on.

Missionary Bob had even heard tell of one particular church, somewhere in the Midwest, where the members had booted the pastor because he'd had the temerity to wear short pants to a church potluck.

Yep, hell -- if it existed -- would be packed to the lips with smug, busybody churchgoers who ran their preacher out of town because he had worn shorts to a church potluck. Or, as in this case, was the victim of circumstantial evidence planted on him by a traveling huckster.

He stood and straightened his dress jacket. Felt a bulge in his left pocket, was surprised to discover a coaster with the face of Jesus on it.

He looked around the office, befuddled. When had he picked this up?

You don’t have to lift anything here, he reminded himself. You’ve pretty much lifted the whole office already.

Missionary Bob, in what used to be the hapless pastor’s office, heard steps echoing from the foyer, somebody clomping up the stairs. My, my, thought the Right Fair Reverend Missionary Bob Mullins, these ladies do need to lose some weight, don’t they? Whoever this was, she was pounding the stairs to wake the devil.

He stopped fidgeting with pillows and stood up straight, getting into character. Thinking of his plan, his mission, remembering the correct accent and speech patterns of a Right Fair Reverend Missionary, an accent as specific and undeniable as the drawl of New Orleans or the wicked blue-blood of Boston.

There was an insistent pounding on the door, a battering, really, if he had stopped to think about it. But he was too wrapped up in the character of a Right Fair Reverend Missionary. He slapped on a toothy grin and opened the door. “Welcome, child, to -- ”

It was a man. A. Large. Man. A grizzled bear towering over him, bloated flannel shirt cascading out of pants where they were almost tucked, tractor cap on his head declaring EAT ROADKILL. The grizzly bear pressed his flannelled beer belly against the Right Fair Reverend Missionary, leaned down from on high and belched, “I’m Darla Mae’s husband.”

The Right Fair Reverent Missionary Bob Mullins broke character and cursed.

The rest of the confrontation was like a dream, a nightmare of slow motion, the bear smacking him, a freight train to the skull, tossing Missionary Bob across the room. Hitting the coffee table as he went down, elbow in the dip. The grizzly roaring, storming in, Missionary Bob on the floor, scrambling backward, away, fleeing in the only direction he could, farther into the room. The angry husband kicking the table over, party snacks flying, dip spattering across the bookcase.

As Missionary Bob kicked to his feet, always moving backward, until the wall stopped his escape, one question kept flashing through his mind: Is this about the fake antique Cross of James or is this about the adultery?

Either way, his back against the wall, this grizzly man bearing down on him, Missionary Bob was out of options. The giant man, his eyes red, had barrel fists clenched and ready to swing, like jackhammers.

There was a noise behind the grizzly, at the open door. “Missionary Bob?”

One of the ladies.

The enraged husband turned at the voice. Missionary Bob took his one and only chance, grabbed the stone head of Moliere, clubbed the grizzly across the side of the head. The man stumbled backward and fell.

Missionary Bob, fueled by anger and fear and blind, stupid adrenalin, kept clubbing, again and again. The man on the floor now, blood streaming from his head. Missionary Bob clubbing him with the bust again and again. On his knees, on top of the man, clubbing him again and again and again.

Finally, adrenalin loosening its grip, Missionary Bob became aware that the man was not moving. Clutching air in hot, painful gasps, he dropped the bust to the carpet.

Felt something wet on the side of his face, wiped it with his sleeve, saw blood smeared on fabric. Not his own blood.

Gasping, wheezing, he looked up and saw the witnesses, ladies pooling in the doorway, staring agape at the Goliath on the floor, downed by the David with his stone.

© 2006 Chris Well

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