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{ December 27, 2003 }
:: New Career: Be a Grizzly Snack ::
C ut out my eyes. I've seen it all. A grizzly researcher is seeking 150 people to carry backpacks filled with rotten fish and cow blood into the rugged backcountry of Glacier National Park.
According to the article in the Billings Gazette, researcher Kate Kendall wants "the 150-member crew (to) bushwhack across Glacier National Park and surrounding wildlands, stringing barbed wire 'traps' intended to snare grizzly hair. The traps are each baited with three liters of the fish-and-blood lure."
Kendall says the job requires work in remote backcountry areas, "and you have to want to bushwhack and carry a lot of weight." Ms. Kendall forgets to mention one other job requirement: you must be willing to be mauled by grizzlies who aren't polite enough to wait for you to place the bait in traps.
Each year, Glacier National Park has one or two hikers who run into grizzly trouble--and all they're carrying is dried jerky and perhaps a few twinkies. Has no one considered what might happen when 150 hikers (and let's be honest: they will be metropolitan folks who want to "get back to nature" for a summer) set off into the backcountry with 50 pounds of bear bait strapped to their backs?
I smell something fishy, and it ain't just the bear bait.
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{ December 24, 2003 }
:: MPAA's Motives: Pure as the Driven Snow? ::
I f you've been to a movie theater in the past few months, you've probably seen those anti-piracy ads backed by the MPAA. You know, the ones with aw-shucks, everyday movie people such as stuntmen, makeup artists and set painters lecturing you, explaining how downloading movies off the internet takes food from the mouths of their starving children.
Now, a few caveats before the impending rant. First, from a marketing standpoint, I think this is a sound strategy for the MPAA. Most people only picture rich studio executives when they think of the entertainment industry; it's good for the general populace to be reminded that there are plenty of other jobs supported. Second, I'm not one of those "downloading movies off the internet is a constitutional right" nut jobs. No, it's not about free speech. Downloading something you don't own without paying for it is copyright infringement, and it is illegal.
That said, I do have a problem with the MPAA and the major studios hiding behind this "jes folks" approach from a moral standpoint (after all, "strategically sound" and "morally sound" ain't the same thing, kids). If the studios were really that concerned about people they employ, would they use deceptive accounting practices to worm their way out of paying royalties? Would they run to Canada for every production they can, bypassing many of the stuntmen, makeup artists and set painters they trot out for their anti-piracy campaign? I think we all know the answers to those questions.
I have no problem calling a thief a thief. The accusation carries less weight, however, when it comes from another thief.
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{ December 20, 2003 }
:: The Little Guy Loses Once Again ::
W hen you weigh just 140 pounds and aren't blessed with the brains of a turnip, you just might decide it's a good idea to be a rapist. Then, of course, you'll meet a 275-pound prostitute who opens up a can of whoop-ass on you. Such was the case in Bakersfield, California when Adrian Castillo Ramirez tried to assault a 24-year old, 275-pound prostitute at knifepoint. The woman promptly relieved him of his knife, stripped him naked, and paraded him in front of other prostitutes. Police later apprehended Ramirez (no word on whether he had managed to find any clothes), and charged him with committing forcible sex acts.
Ramirez has yet to go to trial, but he's already serving a delicious punishment: his story has been picked up by the AP, and is appearing in hundreds of newspapers across the country. Somehow, I doubt becoming famous as the guy who got beat up by a hooker will do much for his rapist ego.
I salute you, Ms. Nameless 275-pound Prostitute. A bravura performance.
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{ December 17, 2003 }
:: Microsloth Products Melt Brains ::
I 'll be frank. I've always hated Microsoft products with the kind of white-hot intensity most people reserve for Satanic cultists. I can still recall my first experience with a Kaypro 286, an early version of Windoze, and a monitor full of glaring orange text. (Yes, orange. So help me, it was orange.) The proverbial seeds of discontent were planted in my mind, and they've since grown into the aforementioned animosity.
Now, it would seem, my hatred has been justified, thanks to an article entitled "Powerpoint Makes you Dumb" in New York Times magazine. For starters, according to the article, Powerpoint was partly responsible for last year's shuttle disaster.
Would I make up this stuff? I certainly would (remember, I told you I hate Microsoft), but I don't have to in this case. "When NASA engineers assessed possible wing damage during the (shuttle) mission," the article notes, "they presented the findings in a confusing PowerPoint slide--so crammed with nested bullet points and irregular short forms that it was nearly impossible to untangle." The article also quotes theorist Edward Tufte, who says "Microsoft's ubiquitous (Powerpoint) software forces people to mutilate data beyond comprehension."
Come now, Mr. Tufte. There's no reason to direct all your anger at Powerpoint. Have you ever used Word?
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{ December 14, 2003 }
:: Saddam Hussein-sky? ::
Yes, the Ace of Spades has been captured. And now, an all-important question can finally be asked. Saddam Hussein and Ted Kaczynski: Separated at birth?
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{ December 9, 2003 }
:: I'm a Celebrity; My Views Must be Important ::
M aybe it's just me (often it is), but it feels like more and more of today's celebrities are convinced fame makes their opinions relevant. Most recently, Richard Dreyfuss hosted the Geneva Initiative ceremonies, offering the comment "Peace is far too important to be left solely to governments." Whether or not I agree with Mr. Dreyfuss is unimportant. All I really want to know is: what makes him an expert on peace (or, for that matter, government)? Why is he more qualified to make such pronouncements than, say, Fran Drescher?
Of course, Dreyfuss isn't alone. And he at least has been an active participant in the political process. What's more irksome are people such as Johnny Depp, Janeane Garafalo, Alec Baldwin and yes, dammit, those darned Dixie Chicks waxing eloquent on domestic and foreign policy. It's a free country, so they can certainly say what they want; I'm not suggesting for a second that they change their views, or stop telling others about them. I'm only suggesting two things:
1) Celebrities should realize that being able to memorize a few lines of dialogue or play three chords on a guitar doesn't equate to political prowess; and
2) When celebrities forget Statement 1 (they're only human, with the possible exception of Michael Jackson), we should remember there's really no reason for us to listen. After all, why are Alec Baldwin's views on the America of today news-worthy? This is the guy who thought making "Thomas the Tank Engine" was a good career move.
Perspective, folks. We just need a bit of perspective.
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{ December 8, 2003 }
:: So I Guess the Answer is: No, I Can't Caress Your Buttocks. ::
I n what has to go down as one of the most imaginative practical jokes of all time, Japanese officials have discovered a Japanese-to-English dictionary that offers deliberately fake translations of common phrases. Japanese tourists who consult the book are told the way to ask for directions to a bathroom is "Excuse me, may I caress your buttocks?"
The story at Yahoo Entertainment News also recounts some of 2,300 reported incidents wherein the book has put tourists abroad in jeopardy, including the 29-year-old man visiting San Francisco who meant to ask a store clerk, "May I please have film for my camera?" Instead, he said, "Would you place your copious breasts in my mouth?" His answer was a slap in the face. One has to wonder what his reaction would have been if the clerk had said "yes" and complied.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you're the kind of person who appreciates crude humor), incidents like this will probably continue for some time. According to Japanese officials, more than 50,000 copies of the dictionary have been sold, and even though the book has been pulled off shelves, bargain-conscious travelers can still buy them at used bookstores.
So, the next time a Japanese tourist approaches you and says, "I know martial arts. May I kick your ass?" don't be alarmed. He's just asking for directions uptown.
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{ December 1, 2003 }
:: For the Last Time, I Do Not Want a Larger Penis ::
E vidently, a guy can only have his manhood insulted by anonymous emails so many times. Charles Booker, recipient of one too many "Ashamed of your size?" spams, hulked out by threatening to maim and torture the people behind the incessant emails. Now he faces criminal charges.
According to the story at CNN, Booker has been charged under California's "road rage" law (guess this is "Information Superhighway Rage"), which carries a prison term of up to five years. The story says "Booker threatened to ... hunt down and castrate the employees unless they removed him from their e-mail list." Hmmm. Let's just call that Reverse Penis Enlargement.
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