Yeah, I'm big on penile humor. But I doubt I'm the only person to get the latest edition of Newsweek in my mailbox and snicker at the cover. It's a photo of Bill Gates, in all his geek glory, next to a stacked headline: "Bill's Next Big Thing." Maybe he responded to one of those penis enlargement spam scams. Maybe it worked. Maybe he's gonna make movies with Paris Hilton.

I was saddened to read about the death of a Butte icon: the Auditor, a bedraggled mutt who lived in Butte's toxic Berkeley Pit for at least 17 years. The Berkeley Pit is filled with so many heavy metals and contaminants (after a century of mining) that it once killed 350 geese unfortunate enough to land in the water it holds. Yet, despite this, the Auditor lived--and thrived, even--in this area, defying logic. In a strange sort of way, I think the Auditor was a symbol of Butte itself (still by far Montana's most interesting city). A local foundation is raising money to build a statue in the Auditor's honor (thanks for this link, Ghost Dog); if New York City can have a Balto statue, certainly Butte should have an Auditor statue.

In light of recent events, and with another tip of the hat to Spy magazine, I ask you: Bjork and Michael Jackson ... separated at birth?

A few months ago, I recounted the alleged lusty exploits of Sandy Selvey, former Chief Public Defender for Yellowstone County, Montana. As of today, the Selvey saga continues. A front-page story in today's Billings Gazette reports Roberta Drew will be re-hired as chief deputy public defender after being fired more than a year ago.

If you'll recall, Selvey was under fire for allegedly retaliating against Sarah Schopfer, one of his employees: "Sarah Schopfer alleged that Selvey retaliated against her when she ended her three-year office romance with her boss," today's Gazette article summarizes. "Schopfer said she ended the relationship when she found Selvey having sex with (Roberta) Drew."

Yes, that Roberta Drew--the one who got her job back as of this morning. As the article says (apparently with no pun intended), it was "a job she held for three years under former Chief Public Defender Sandy Selvey." Indeed.

A story in today's Billings Gazette tells the tale of one David Lawrence Moore, who has now been convicted of indecent exposure for a third time. Hey, that's a felony, folks. (Presumably, the first two convictions weren't, ahem, any big thing.) According to court documents, Moore exposed himself to four different women on October 28. In one incident, a woman said "the man gestured at himself to direct (her) attention." Note to David: if you have to point to get it noticed, it ain't worth public display. In another incident, Moore told one of his victims, ’ÄúI'm comfortable like this.’Äù I'm sure a number of gentlemen at the State Penitentiary in Deer Lodge will be quite comfortable with his nudity, as well.

Highland Township, Michigan is a wonderful place to live. Unless you happen to have an address on Crapo Street. Residents complained about the street's name to trustees, who promptly responded by suggesting the name be changed to Governor Crapo Street. Ah, yes, it's a name that veritably rolls off the tongue: "Yeah, deliver that pizza to 1763 Governor Crapo Street. Uh... on second thought, cancel that pizza order. I'm suddenly not very hungry." Still, Crapo Street--er, I mean Governor Crapo Street--residents should count their blessings. At least their trustees didn't suggest "Major Crapo Street."

The worldwide headquarters of TLHines.com are proud to announce that, 240 days into the war with Iraq, we've yet to post a single Iraq-related blog entry. No slam-dam-Saddam witticisms. No "shock and awe" top ten lists. Nary even a Jessica Lynch-ing rant. Why would we want to? There's simply too much real news out there to report. For instance, did you know you can get a personalized telephone call from Lorenzo Lamas for only $29.95?

According to an AP story, workers at a Milwaukee postal station recently found a four-foot alligator chomping its way out of a box. "Employees were sorting mail Friday when they noticed the alligator chewing its way out of an Express Mail box, said JoAnne Blackburn, a Postal Service spokeswoman," according to the story posted at Yahoo News. Is it illegal to ship four-foot alligators via the U.S. Postal Service? You bet; the article also tells us "alligators longer than 20 inches are not allowed to be sent through the mail." Rest easy, citizens: if you accidentally receive a package of live alligators in the mail, be assured that none of them will be more than 20 inches long.

Stories like this one in the Billings Outpost make me think of William Shakespeare's timeless advice: "Kill all the lawyers."

It seems Trey Ransom, a substitute who taught during the Billings teacher strike last year, is now suing the Billings Education Association, the Montana Education Association and former BEA head Brian Ehli for defaming him. And what did they do to defame Mr. Ransom? They pointed out Ransom had allegedly bought alcohol for minors while employed by the Red Lodge school district.

Ransom resigned his position in Red Lodge when the allegations became public (no doubt on the advice of his attorney). Now, keep this in mind as you carefully read what his suit against the teachers unions and Ehli says, as quoted in the Outpost: [The suit argues that the former union president did so by making ’Äústatements that [the] Plaintiff had been released from a school for having purchased alcoholic beverages for minors.’Äù The complaint argues that Mr. Ehli knew or should have known that the statements were false.]

Notice this doesn't deny Ransom actually bought alcohol for his students in Red Lodge. (It's pretty apparent Ransom gave up the ghost on fighting that battle when he resigned.) It says Ehli made ’Äústatements that [the] Plaintiff had been released from a school for having purchased alcoholic beverages for minors.’Äù That, of course, is correct: Ransom wasn't released, because he quit.

Seems like an awfully tiny crack to slither through.

The front page story in yesterday's Billings Gazette, headlined "1 hurt in shooting at adult bookstore," begged to be read right away. In the first paragraph, one discovers the name of the adult bookstore was "Ball," which is, um, descriptive. Give the shop's owner credit: naming your store something like that takes pretty big ... well, you know.

The rest of the article goes on to explain the shooting (a "shotgun blast from behind," evidently), and finishes its run on the front page with this:

Vladic said the victim was talking when he was taken to the hospital by American Medical Response.
"He was in some pain," Vladic said.
The man appeared to have small
PLEASE SEE SHOOTING, 12A

Quick, quick! Turn to page 12A! What did this porn shop patron have that was small? Could it be something related to the store's name? Oh. "...holes in his back from the shooting," the sentence finishes on 12A. Not nearly as interesting as what I was thinking.

Bob Guccione has officially resigned as CEO of Penthouse International. Lest ye be concerned that Penthouse, that fine magazine of arts and letters, is in trouble, fear not: the new CEO of Penthouse International is 90-year-old Milton Polland. If I were a stockholder, I know I'd feel better knowing a company whose primary market is men age 18-34 is now being helmed by a guy born in 1913. But maybe I'm being a bit harsh. After all, Guccione is still officially the editor and publisher at a spry 72. Maybe it's time to stop complaining about the pornographic content in Penthouse, and instead start thanking the magazine for providing meaningful employment to senior citizens.